In our journey of nurturing emotional intelligence in our children, one of the most potent tools we possess is active listening. Active listening, leading into next week’s topic, empathy, is a weak spot for me personally. Active listening goes beyond just hearing words; it involves fully engaging with the speaker, understanding their emotions, and validating their experiences. I personally struggle with this due to a few personality traits and tendencies. At times, my mind can wander easily in conversation or shift from conceptual to physical observations (i.e., discussing feelings while noticing eye shape or a sound). Additionally, I have an underlying belief that everything will always be okay, which applies to my life perspective, but I need to be reminded that it may not be where the other person is coming from, plus I am a fixer. If someone tells me something, I will likely think about how to fix the situation versus just listening and allowing the feeling to be heard and pass. Both of these aspects are important in active listening. Therefore, let's together delve into the significance of active listening and explore practical examples of how we can incorporate it into our parenting approach.
Understanding Active Listening:
Active listening involves giving our full attention to the speaker, demonstrating empathy, understanding their needs in that moment, and responding thoughtfully to their words and emotions. When we actively listen to our children, we create a safe space for them to express themselves authentically, fostering trust and emotional connection.
Modeling Active Listening for Your Children:
- Being Fully Present: When your child approaches you to share something, put aside distractions and give them your undivided attention. Keep in mind, your child may not be approaching you with something to share; they may be younger, and this may come across as a tantrum. Either way, make connections appropriate to the circumstances—eye contact, nod occasionally, and use nonverbal cues to show that you are listening attentively. For example, the most effective one I use is sitting with them at eye level and touching them gently somewhere to physically establish a connection. It is usually as simple as my finger on their knee, but sometimes it's a full lap hug depending on the emotional need and us in the moment. If it is a tantrum, my son definitely needs a full hug.*
- Reflective Listening: Practice reflecting back what your child has said to demonstrate that you understand and empathize with their feelings. This is the point where I may start problem-solving to fix the situation and “remove/change the emotion.” But, as I have to remind myself, we are not there yet, nor do we know if we need to go there at all. This is simply responding with what you were communicated verbally or nonverbally. “You are frustrated because you don’t know how to solve that math problem, and it makes you feel less confident about your skills,” or “I see you are very upset and overwhelmed with your toy not fitting through the doorway. Do you want to use it in the living room?” And that is it! Repeating what you hear/see. It may need recalibration after you hear a response. For example, “I am frustrated I don’t know how to do the math problem and mad at my teacher for not covering it,” or your child starts pushing their car around in the room and you can tell now they wanted my space for the car and the table was in the way.
- Validating Emotions: Validate your child's emotions by acknowledging and accepting them without judgment. Let your child know that it's okay to feel a certain way, and reassure them that their feelings are valid and important. For example, if your child is upset with their teacher for not covering a math problem, "I understand that you're feeling upset because not knowing the best practices is frustrating and takes more time on your end to work through and understand,” or they want more space for their car to fly, “Oh, I see you are upset because your car can’t go far with the table in the way.”
- Empathetic Responses: Respond to your child's emotions with empathy and understanding. Show that you care about their feelings and are willing to support them through difficult moments. This can take a few directions, for example with your child upset about the math problem and teacher, depending on age, the child’s own level of emotional intelligence and logic, the response could start with, “I hear you, let me know if you want help, or how you’d like me to support you.” At this point, your child then will be exercising their own emotional intelligence to reflect on if they just wanted to share and be heard or they really want advice or help. We will go more into problem-solving in the blog two weeks from now.
In regards to smaller children that are not as communicative, this is where we use our emotion boards. There are many on the market, but we created our own and have them scotch taped up with Velcro emoticons. “I feel … “ with a few open spaces to put multiple emoticons below it and then “I would like …” with a few open spaces below it. Examples are, “I feel.. mad, happy, sick, sad...” “I would like.. a hug, to be by myself, help…”
Regularly Encouraging Communication: In general, regularly encouraging open and honest communication with your child by creating a judgment-free environment where they feel comfortable expressing themselves is key to developing their emotional IQ. Let your child know that you are always available to listen to their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and that you value their perspective. Are you having a conversation with your partner, friend, or another sibling, and you see your child listening, ask them, “What do you think?” …”Nice perspective” …”I never thought of that, interesting.” Did you just witness an emotional situation in public with unknown people, ask them, “What do you think the best way of handling that would have been? Why do you think they responded that way?” But let’s cover these and more examples next week with Empathy.
By modeling active listening for our children, we not only strengthen our parent-child bond but also equip them with essential skills for navigating their emotions and building healthy relationships. As we continue on our journey of nurturing emotional intelligence, let's prioritize active listening as a powerful tool for fostering empathy, understanding, and emotional well-being in our children.
Join me next week as we explore more strategies for nurturing emotional intelligence, focusing on the importance of empathy in building strong connections with our children.
* I wanted to asterisk this moment because it does not go unrecognized to me that not everyone is working with one child’s emotional needs at a time. The majority of caregivers are managing multiple individuals' emotions, including themselves and a partner. Most examples and approaches are best case; please see them as a road map knowing that exits will be made for food and bathroom breaks, everyone in the car will likely need to stretch at different times, and the cell service will go out on occasion through the mountains or in tunnels, and you may get off track need to ask a local for directions after an argument and move on. And, that is why life is a journey.