In our journey of nurturing emotional intelligence in our children, empathy stands out as a cornerstone. It's the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, stepping into their shoes to see the world through their lens.
Understanding Empathy:
Empathy involves more than just recognizing someone else's emotions; it requires us to connect with those feelings on a deeper level. When we empathize, we not only understand what others are experiencing, but we also share in their emotional state, offering support and validation.
Modeling Empathy for Your Children:
Many of the strategies in the previous topics of emotional awareness, leading by example, and active listening are modeling steps that can build the empathy muscles. Though you don’t have to understand someone’s emotion to be empathetic, it can help create a deeper connection. If you cannot name, identify, or have never heard someone discuss a feeling yourself, it may be hard to relate.
In action, yesterday my son came home from gymnastics, and the first thing he told me was, “Mommy, there was a new kid today. He was sad and scared. He has never done anything like this before. He stays at home with his mom. So he was really sad.” First, awesome he is recognizing this child’s feelings. I then said, “Oh, buddy, did you talk to him and let him know it would be ok?” My son, “No.” Me, “Awe, do you remember when you first went how scared you were and you cried, and I had to come in and be with you? I think it would be nice to welcome the kid next time and let him know you are there. I know you like mommy to do that when you are scared.” [creating a deeper connection] Him, “Daddy said the same thing.” Well, at least Dad and I are on the same page. As your child’s inner voice, I hope next time he sees someone crying while somewhere new, including himself, his first thought is care and empathy. It may take a few more connections or conversations to move into action, but planting the seeds is the beginning.
Cultural and Perspective Building Empathy:
Help your children develop empathy by exposing them to different cultures, backgrounds, and perspectives. Actively and intentionally engage in activities that highlight diverse experiences.
Being an active participant in a different culture or background is humanizing to all. Whether it is reading books, watching movies/shows, doing physical activities, or events, intentionally picking things that will guarantee perspective expansion is important. Making sure your daily life is diverse will have real connections and relationships with these cultures and perspectives vs. artificial knowledge based only. Hence, if there are no feelings or emotions to attach to the experience, it is harder to embody empathy.
Examples of Creating Real Connections in Daily Life:
Immerse your child in different cultures through food. If you eat out once a week or month, make sure it is not your normal at-home cuisine. If you are usually a chicken and mash family, go get Dim Sum, Thai, or Indian. If you are usually eating curry, go get some comfort food, Mexican, or Italian. Whatever is out of your normal daily eating routine, try it. An added bonus is occasionally trying to make the newly experienced items at home. Fun personal note, a few weeks ago, we went for Dim Sum and it was awesome to hear my four-year-old try a dish and say, “This is better than mac n’ cheese.”
Immerse your child in different cultures through activities. Does your city/town have cultural parades, festivals, events, or even communities? Go regularly! Who doesn’t love a good parade or festival: Pride, MLK, Lunar New Year, Halloween, Christmas, New Year’s. Being a part of a celebration is a great way to give it respect.
Immerse your child in different cultures through institutions. If you are going to do something anyway, find a slightly different version of what you are used to in order to heighten your experience. To my knowledge growing up, I did not know one person who was Jewish. However, my daughter joined Shabbat every Friday in high school and my son went to a Jewish preschool. They may not fully join the religion, but their experiences and connections are forever humanizing the culture as they carry the memories and relationships with them. Another example is if you are Irish Catholic, Hispanic Catholic, Filipino Catholic, etc., attend church that is more densely populated to what you did not grow up with. There will be automatic connections in faith that will comfort you to immerse yourselves in a new culture.
Immerse your child in different perspectives through activities. Do you live on the west side, the east side, south side, north side, downtown? Our socioeconomic statuses and physical communities also drive perspective. Sign your kids up for community recreation class or summer camp in a different location. Go to library story times in different locations. Again, do normal activities just switch it up a bit for a different perspective. Living in a city, we have a membership to museums downtown, which helps with city-wide and world-wide interactions regularly. Do you have older relatives or community members in your life? Allow your children to talk and play with them regularly.
Immerse your child in different perspectives through literature and media. Do a book, movie, and show audit. What does your child see? Is it a narrative that builds their self-esteem and/or builds their connections with others not in their same “likeness” that they do not get daily? First, your child needs positive self-esteem, especially if the world isn’t made for them. Therefore, it will be most helpful to include in the audit characters and stories of “them” succeeding daily. Next, make sure to sprinkle in and increase a collection of diverse literature and media to create those connections to new life perspectives.
WARNING:
I feel too often in the attempt to be more diverse and culturally aware two unproductive things can occur explaining and comparing and to these, I ask you to be wary:
Explaining:
Explaining has its place, but when that is the only place given, it is not constructive. I remember watching Schitt's Creek and saying to my husband, “Finally, a show that simply shows relationships and doesn’t try to explain being bi or gay and it just lets all exist as a relationship.” When you spend more time comparing or explaining differences, the human in this tag/category gets lost. Hence, regularly read books where the main characters are varied existing in every culture they hold a space. Let their experiences with other cultures be authentic to creating a connection not just detailing the definition of them behind preferences, Holidays, foods, physical features, and birth charts.
Comparing and Pity:
Too often there is a comparative or pitiful language around perspective understanding that can do the opposite of empathy; it could create feelings of superiority. For example, I have seen the approach of giving away toys to children that have less translate into “poor kid, they don’t have what I do.” The pity game takes away from the fact this is their life and it may be a great life better than one could imagine, but their circumstances are different. Better said, “If you no longer play with this toy, it's in good shape; let’s be earth-smart and kindly give it to a child who could benefit from and enjoy it like you did.” The pity game also often comes up with physical constraints or disabilities. We don’t want to teach pity.
Teaching Compassionate Communication
Teach your children to communicate with empathy and compassion. Encourage them to use kind words, listen attentively, and consider how their words and actions may impact others.
Practical Examples of Empathy in Parenting:
Friendship Challenges: If your child is having difficulties with a friend, listen, repeat their feelings, and then help them understand the situation from the friend's perspective. Encourage them to consider how their friend may be feeling and brainstorm ways to resolve the issue peacefully.
Family Discussions: During family discussions or decision-making processes, encourage each family member to share their thoughts and feelings openly. Create a safe space where everyone feels heard and valued, fostering empathy and understanding within the family unit.
Sibling Conflicts: When mediating conflicts between siblings, encourage empathy by asking each child to consider how their actions may have made the other feel. Encourage them to apologize sincerely and work together to find a resolution that respects each other's feelings.
Community Involvement: Get involved in community service projects or volunteer opportunities as a family. This can help your children develop empathy by seeing firsthand the challenges in their community and working together to make a positive difference.
Acts of Kindness: Encourage your children to perform acts of kindness for others, such as writing thank-you notes, helping a neighbor, or volunteering their time. These small gestures can cultivate empathy and compassion, reinforcing the importance of caring for others.
By actively cultivating empathy in our children, we not only nurture their emotional intelligence but also foster compassion, kindness, and understanding. Empathy is a powerful tool that enables us to connect with others on a deeper level, building stronger relationships and creating a more compassionate world.